Hello readers,
I want to talk about my last year experience. I’ve processed it and well, I lived through it. I feel like talking about it, doing some reflection, and perhaps seeing if there’s anything to be learned. My thoughts will be non-sequential though so brace yourself.
Last year I met the lowest point in my life. It’s still my lowest point so far. Maybe I’ll have it again sometime in the future but that’s not the main point here. According to the past me, I lose the ability to imagine and hope, let alone believe in my own work.
Here were some of my writings last year - unedited:
21 May 2021
“I feel bad for people putting up with me. Reading my bad draft, seeing so many paragraphs without its topic sentences, confused by so many inconsistencies, having dull writings. I know the content is awesome, or is it? Nonetheless, I still feel lacking being the messenger. It takes time, I know. Do I have enough is my concern. Who knows that I need another two years to be a good scientific author? What then? Well, we should ask for help. Maybe.”
10 June 2021
“Opening up my thesis. I’m reminded again of my shortcoming. The fear of seeing the writer’s block. Past haunt me reminding me how I often come short. Not that I fail to do something but I have the habit of struggling to meet the minimum quota. It’s that or the struggle to explain the right thing. I perceived myself to be not good at explaining things completely.”
It’s mainly about thesis, yes, and combined with self-isolation. I’m pretty fine with the social distancing itself back then. Many habits changed but it wasn’t until I’m doing my thesis on my own, in my own room (where everything happened), and with my own thought that I find it hard to endeavor.
Disclaimer: It’s not all grim since I also wrote a couple of things to be grateful for, like talking with friends, seeing ducklings, and star wars: clone wars.
I find it interesting or even funny that a year has passed and I couldn’t really empathize with myself in the past. I remember those days when I felt like crap but I don’t feel it the same way again. I remember those days when I isolate myself and now, I can see how wrong my decision is. I live through it and now I see my past with a newer lens.
At that time, I was hopeless. I remember I live day by day hoping that I will finish my work at some point. I thought my own work wouldn’t be worthy and never will be.
Looking back, I feel I was not that hopeless. I still can think about asking for help and there are several things that I was grateful for. And I made peace with the unworthiness of my thesis.
Looking back, it could be worse. I’m lucky. I have a mental safety net. Despite being negative, my family and friends keep supporting and reaching out to me. All I do was maintain healthy habits like eating healthy food and having enough sleep. I’m also lucky that my family is still fully intact. Didn’t fully realize this back then.
Looking back, it’s part of my life. It’s part of the journey and adventure. All of that shall pass and all of this shall pass.
It’s interesting to know that we stop caring about things. We might not remember the small good and bad things that happened to us in the past but it might be essential at that time.
What we’ve heard as the new normal in the past soon will be another normal now. We haven’t ended the pandemic yet and well, it will take some years more to completely eradicate it due to the trailing effect but we’ve avoided the worst-case scenario. We will accept the new daily habit and keep on living. That might be for the best because if we mourn for each of them, we wouldn’t be able to do anything and that’s do nothing good.
I’m not sure where I’m going with all of this but let me tell you another thing: let’s remind ourselves and each other to be a little bit more grateful than we used to. Be a little bit more generous with kind words and praise when someone else (and yourself) when we have done something right.
See you next time.
Stay sane, stay healthy, and stay awesome neighbor!Sincerely,
your nerdy neighbor